Love in a relationship
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
evaluating the prospects of long-term success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with
a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that
many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I
believe it is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love
(alone). Though this may sound not politically correct,
there's a profound truth here.
Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the
other ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here
are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is
this so important?
Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30
years, that's a long time to live
with someone. What do you plan to do with each other
all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need
to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need
a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart.
50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want
out of life - bottom line- and marry someone who wants
the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate
openly with this person. The basis of having good
communication is trust - I.e. trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts
and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive
person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally
safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: > Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do
they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are
they serious about improving themselves? A teacher
of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always
striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask
about your significant other: What do they do with
their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority
is character refinement. There are essentially two
types of people in the world: People
who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in
life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that
before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we
mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask:
Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or
are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they
treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc.?
How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If
they don't have gratitude for the people who have given
them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have
gratitude for you -- who can't do nearly as much for
them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others.
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly,
will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to "improve" them after
they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You
can probably expect someone to change after marriage
... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to
marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more
with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be
as objective as possible when you are dating,
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to
the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake
up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.